Inside My OCD: I am not Crazy.

“Am I Crazy?!”

This one is one of my intrusive and unrelenting thoughts that I struggle with on a weekly basis. Some thoughts are hard to recognize, but over the years this thought has manifested so many times, when it comes in I heard it loud and clear.

The day I identified it for what it was, an intrusive and irrational thought I obsessed over, TS (Thought Stopper) Elliot kicked in to high gear and it was like a scene in Kill Bill. He informed me that the thought was completely irrational and assured me with the following message:

You are not crazy. You are different. But that does not mean you are irrelevant. You have something to offer.

I’ve read that for people with Purely Obsessional OCD, the intrusive and unrelenting thoughts usually stem from our greatest fears or directly conflict with our most highly held values. This makes perfect sense because 1. My biggest fear is inaction due to fear, or not doing something because I’m scared, aka having courage. 2. One of my highest held values is the belief that as human beings we all strive for connection. As brene brown says, “We are hard wired for connection.” I believe connecting with others is the very way that We evolve.
For example: I have a tattoo on my arm that says

“liberty. hope. justice. “.

I wanted the color to be blood red so when people commented on it I could explain, ” Instead of dying for these things, I’m going to live fighting for them.” I mean, HARD CORE. Remember, I’m a little obsessive sometimes.

Side note: I choose to believe that people with “Pure O” can be obsessive about things of a positive nature too. I’m the entrepreneurial type and when I get a great idea for a business, watch out. Because you won’t hear the end of it.

Continuing on: Intrusive Thoughts stem from Fears
What I’m saying is that I aim to live my life as one of service and paying it forward, knowing the returns will come. I have so many ideas and so many dreams of how to educate people and affect change. So it makes perfect sense that my brain would throw me the fear that I’m crazy, irrelevant, and can’t make a difference in the world because no one will ever listen to me or take me seriously.

This made me question everything I did. Making a phone call. Writing an email. Sending a text message.

in my personal life
Communication with anyone I loved was exhausting because of how much it took to combat the assholes messages.

Don’t reach out to them. They’re busy and they don’t have time for you. They don’t want to hear your problems.

in my business
The thought of a phone call with someone or god forbid writing an email was torturous. And you can forget about prospecting (which is the gas to the money making vehicle). Prospecting includes making new friends and piquing their interest to see if they can benefit from the products or the business. The thought of approaching strangers was so scary, I started isolating myself from everyone, minimizing the amount of human contact I had for the day. Even when I did go out I looked completely unkempt. If I wasn’t dressed for the occasion it was easier justifying not talking to people. This is when it started to get really bad.

Knowing that painting quiets my mind…
I wanted to start painting but I couldn’t or didn’t want to finish anything because when I would stand back and look at it the asshole in my brain would say:

It looks silly and stupid. They’re not gonna get what you mean by it. It looks like a kindergartener picture. That’s a dumb idea. You’re so stupid.

I know. My brain can be a Real asshole sometimes. Anyway, it’s much easier for Elliot to do his job if he can see what he’s fighting. This can be incredibly hard however, because it requires the mental fortitude and emotional strength to acknowledge what it is you want the most in life and what it is you’re most afraid of. Those two things are difficult for most people to do. I’m fortunate that I’ve become
Much more comfortable in exploring my imagination in regards to my dreams and goals. I’m not afraid to dream big. I know with enough hard work and effort I can accomplish anything. In fact, the conviction with which I hold these beliefs is (in my opinion) most definitely connected to the atroshis nature of the intrusive thoughts (directly attacking my lifeblood), and the intensity if the associated fear reaction at the possibility of its realization. Overwhelming doesn’t cut it. Think paralyzing.

Anyway, that’s all I have for that one today. Now that I’ve spent some time identifying the intrusive thoughts, I’m invoking the Wise Advocate. The one who tells it like it is. Here are some examples:

A Hole says:
There’s too much to do and you’ll never get it all done. You’ll forget something and will have accomplished nothing at the end of the day.
It won’t amount to anything so don’t even try.

Wise Advocate says:

Each minute of the day is precious because you have the opportunity to use it to move forward. It’s about growth, and creativity. You are simply laying one brick at a time, the best humanly possible, and you have peace knowing that you did the best job humanly possible. And you learn from it. It doesn’t matter if there’s still more to do tomorrow. There will always be something to do tomorrow. Make the most of your today, because that is what you have to work with.


About AliciasInnerBeauty

I am a business owner, a student of human behavior, and on THE HERO'S JOURNEY to get home to my FAMILY!!! I know with the help of the MKMMA I will get there!
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1 Response to Inside My OCD: I am not Crazy.

  1. I am so incredibly grateful to have read your blog, I am also someone who seems to do it tough and as you said on Mark’s post that we are addicted to our emotions. My emotions are addicted around rejection, unacceptance and hating who I am, because of the abuses and abusers in my life. Thank you for your post.

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